Roots

"you get a strange feeling when you're about to leave a place; like you'll not only miss the people you love but you'll also miss the person you are not at this time and place because you'll never be this way again"

This quote has spoken some deep things to me this past year.  So many things have been changing, for better and for worse, and it's honestly so crazy to look back and see how those things have affected me and even to see the person that I was during those times.  I really think there is something to be said about how not only does everything we experience shape who we are, but also where we come from and where our families have come from.  All of this is such an important piece of the puzzle that is you and me.

I've never been able to explain it, but the rolling hills and the expanses of sky that can be found in Western New York have always had a special place in my heart.  For as long as I can remember, taking that drive with my family and then on my own to college filled me with an emotion and feeling that I can't really describe.  It almost felt like a piece of me that had been missing was put back in its place.  (I felt the same way driving through the southern states last year as well coincidentally! southern girl at heart...)

I think I finally understand.  Where we come from and where our family comes from is so important and plays a big role in shaping who we are.  My dad and his dad grew up on a farm; being in areas with a lot of farmland (like wny) brings back fond memories and feelings of family, acceptance, and lots of love.  My mom grew up in the city and being there (while sometimes stresses me out haha!) fills me with a sense of adventure and desire to try/accomplish new things.  There is a little bit of everywhere in me; that comes not only from my parents, but the places I've been and the experiences I've had.  When we're first learning how to be alive, all that we have is our parents and our family: their opinions and ways of doing things, even what they believe.  But as we grow up, I think we learn how to think for ourselves, taking what we've been taught and adding to or revising it to fit what we believe and experience as an individual.  Everywhere we go, I think we leave a little bit of ourselves and take a bit of that place, so as we live our lives, we become a mosaic of the places and people that have touched our lives.  The past, present, and future.  It's SO interesting to me how all of these things are connected and everything matters: every interaction, ever trip, every story told shapes who we are and the people that we become.

seriously, watch "The Hollars".  that's what sparked all these nuggets that i tried to make coherent...

"comparison is the thief of joy"

i just wrote a really great post and then my ancient computer deleted it :[ so i'll try again.

comparison is something i've been struggling with a lot recently.

if you know anything about my personal life struggles, you would like that my life is not exactly where i thought it would be.  as a newly minted college graduate, i had all of these expectations of what i thought my life needed to be and look like.  according to live up to societal standards for people my age, i need to be living on my own, with a cute apartment, making new friends, and having a grand old time while i "figure life out", enjoying the freedom and some of the responsibilities of "real life".  it all looks so cute and fun in the movies and in my head.  unfortunately (but also fortunately...) that is not what happened.

real life is actually messy.  very rarely does reality live up to our expectations.  and even though my life right now is a pretty sweet gig, i tend to get super caught up in the reasons that my life sucks or isn't like other people's that i know (or even people that i don't know).  i just started a really awesome full-time job in my field and i'm living at home to save money.  both of these things are super positive and blessings that i did not anticipate, but so often i focus on what i don't have.  i'm as single as a slice of cheese (seriously everyone is getting married. why.) and sometimes i'm embarrassed to say i live with my parents at 22.  when my bar of success is set at the level of my perceived societal standards, i will never be good enough.  that's where the joy gets stolen: i can't see the blessings and the joy of Christ in my life when i'm focused on what i don't have compared to everyone else.

instead, i need to see myself though Jesus' eyes: as a deeply loved, completely forgiven, and fully accepted child.  my failures and embarrassments mean nothing to him.  i can celebrate my triumphs as what they are, gifts from God and not as another way i don't measure up.  this is such a better way to live; it's full of joy and smiles and happiness because my worth and my story are not based on what i can or can't do, but solely on the works of Jesus through me.

that one about life

i just finished watching this random Adam Sandler movie on netflix, click, about that story that i'm sure everyone has heard before: somebody finds something that allows them to skip the things in their life that they don't like and eventually they find themselves dead and they missed all their lives and then they wake up and it's just a dream and they go about living their lives better and appreciating everything they have because they know how much it's worth now and it leaves us all feeling more appreciative of everything and determined to live better.  Yea, you know that one?

The following thought process is not one that is new to me...  this percolates in my brain often

the inevitable track of people's life is this: you get borned, you live, and then you die.  That's all we get, that's all anyone gets. this isn't going to be a post about how we need to make out life count per say, although that is super important!

i, like most teenaged girls around this time of the cinematic year, have read, watched, and LOVED the fault in our stars by john greene.  if you have time and feel like sobbing your eyes out, i suggest you read the book because it is actually pretty good, it really made me think and i love stories that do that :)

anyways, there's a quote i also love: "that's the thing about pain: it demands to be felt"
i'm not going to say that i am a complete expert on pain, but i have had my share of physical injuries, emotional battles, etc and that is one thing that i know: pain sometimes literally DEMANDS to be felt. like, sometimes it seems like the pain is just sitting on top of your diaphragm screaming "hey!! i'm here, i'm causing a ruckus! and look out because soon you're going have a hard time breathing and you must have a monopoly on water works because you're about to spend a lot of money building hotels!" (haha, i lost that illustration...)  this is one thing that i think i've learned with this past hell of a year: the worst and most saddest thing is to go through life, and not feel.

i don't want to be numb and i don't want to repress.  i want to feel the ache in my chest of my heart breaking.  i want to soak in the sunshine and feel it's heat.  i want to work through grief of saying the last goodbye to a dear family pillar.  i want to take deep breaths of air in the warm summer air and freezing winter.  i want to fill completely overwhelmed by the enormous sky and get lost in the stars.  someday i want to experience the pain of giving life to babies and then love them with every fiber of my being.  that is the life i want to have.  i want to feel.  enjoy the little things.  there is soo much in life to enjoy! i love my life and even though i don't always want to get out of bed in the morning because i also love sleeping, being alive is just.. so good.

this might seem like a cliche live life rant, but this is soo important and guess whaaaat? all of this points to God.  he puts these little glimpses of his love and himself everywhere in our lives and we need to open our eyes and noses and ears and hands to experience them!

so take 10 seconds to stop and smell the flowers.

Hello :)

Hello blogging world!

I haven't blogged in two years... So it's been a long time but recently I've been thinking about this blog, I don't know why.. maybe it's because the site thing for my school homework (I don't even know what it is...) is something.something.edu and it reminded me of this blog.. haha I don't know.

Anyways, I don't really have a plan for what I am going to post here and I don't even know if anyone is going to be reading it, so we'll see! It will most likely be things I'm learning (I'm taking an online class this summer and I'm actually learning things!), things I like looking at, or listening to, and random other things.. we'll see :)

Feel free to not read anything on this blog from before this post, I have no idea what's there, I honestly was too lazy to start a new one when this one is already set up! yeayy

Here's a little profile update: I am a college student, studying biology, hoping to be a pediatric physical therapist when I grow up (i love the babies!).  Sometimes I think too much but I'm ok with it: that's where a lot of my random light bulb moments come from!  I love Jesus a whooole lot and try to live my life in a way that makes him proud.  I love my family, music, friends, learning, being happy, you know, the usual!

Like I've already said twice, we'll see what this blog becomes as this summer progresses and school starts up again....

Thanks for reading! :)